Marriage

As everyone knows, once you have kids, your relationship with your partner is never the same. And that's okay...but when I heard that ~70% of marriages with special needs children end in divorce, I got worried. Real worried.

Would we make it?

It doesn't matter how you felt about the prospect of having a child with issues. If you've ever been to a pre/post natal visit where you get "test results", where you might potentially get life-changing news--you might have had an idea of what you would or would not do for your future life as a family. When you actually get that news, and your reality is changed in the blink of an eye--well, that's a different situation entirely.

Like many parents, we were stunned. Maybe we shouldn't have been, given E's delays. We were most concerned about Elena's intellectual capability, which--like all things--was a wait and see situation. I inwardly panicked, wondering if my husband could handle it. Then I panicked, wondering if I could handle it. I knew we couldn't "fix her", and make her develop normally.

My husband is a very smart man. He is also a very rational man, and doesn't get into too many "what if" scenerios or emotional overhauls. For me...well, once my imaginary disaster wheel starts spinning, it gets out of control FAST. I needed reassurance a lot, and I knew I wasn't going to get what I needed from my husband--not that he didn't care, but because he could not understand why I let my imagination take such a firm hold on my emotional well-being.

I found support other than my husband. I believe that gave him some well-deserved, necessary breathing room. That support mainly consisted of my mother, my mental health counselor (my job provides this to those that need it), a trio of girlfriends from college, and the March of Dimes SHARE site. There are others, but those were the main ones.

I am the main attendant to Elena's events--therapies, doctor's appointments, IEP meetings, etc. This isn't b/c Jason doesn't want to go (okay, maybe he doesn't) but b/c I have a flexible schedule, and he does not. It makes sense this way. It also helps IMMENSELY that we have Annette, who came to many of these events with me, so she can work with E when I am at work.

This means I became the authority with all things Elena--health, therapies, education, home regime. Sometimes Jason felt bossed around (okay, maybe a lot of times). We fought. He wanted to come home from work and be able to relax (so did I!), but Elena needed a lot of intervention, and still does.

There are very few "Mommy Jobs" or "Daddy Jobs" at our house. There are some activities where Elena prefers one of us over the other, but we both are very involved. It has always been this way. This includes caring for the kids, keeping the house, and cooking.

Doesn't sound like a lot of time to spend as a couple, is it? Well...it isn't. But I don't think that's unique to us, I think it's probably true for most (new) parents, and true for most parents with special needs kids. I made it pretty clear that when we are home from work, it is family time--playing with the kids, making dinner, doing therapy and getting ready for bed. After that, if we have energy, we have couple time. Sometimes it's watching Netflix (we LOVE Netflix!). Sometimes it's working out bills or schedules. A lot of times it's one of us going to bed and the other working or doing chores. Don't get me wrong--I miss going on dates, fancy dinners, etc--but when we get home from work, we want to spend time as a family. And we do go out, infrequently; it should be more often. Jason and I also have some separate activities, like sports or recreation, where one of us stays with the kids so they other can blow off steam and have fun (mainly me going to play soccer).

Look, I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't been hard. Of course it has. There were lots of times I felt we weren't connecting. In retrospect, it's a big blur. I think we dealt with E's diagnosis/prognosis pretty well, mainly b/c I cannot remember any crazy fights related to our marriage. I remember lots of me crying. Lots of us taking turns. Lots of sharing health/therapy related "recaps" and worrying about how we were going to pay for everything. We still do those things--only without all the crying.

Maybe I'm really lucky. Maybe Jason is just a very tolerant, patient man. He is incredibly supportive of me, and our children. I can only hope we stay actively dedicated to one another.